I wasn’t going to post today. I wasn’t being lazy or anything; it was the youngest 23thorn’s birthday party. Two months after her birthday. She’d had a family party (at full strength, we can muster about 20 people), and then we went away, so we thought we’d get away without a school party, but never underestimate the complexity of the average four-year-old’s social life.Promises had been made on the playground. People had been blacklisted. A party there would be.
So the day has been a little busy. But I’ve come so far with the whole 100 posts thing that I couldn’t resist putting a little something out. And besides, something has been playing at the edges of my mind. A mystery. Maybe someone can talk me through this.
I have to be careful. I have a fairly cynical bent, and my sense of humour can slip fairly easily into mockery. And that’s not nice.
So I was both overjoyed and crushed when, while looking something up for a post earlier this week, I came across a blog post titled “A Pact Journey – Kruger Park Safaris“. Does something about that title ring a little odd to you? How about the opening sentence;
“Upon our own strategy to Mpumalanga intended for a necessary split, Bronwyn, Ryno and I chose that we ended up being taking a excursion”?
It is a thing of beauty. It isn’t wrong. It has transcended that. It isn’t bad English. It cast off from those shores long ago and is now exploring vast, uncharted continents of grammar and syntax. And that’s just the opening line. The whole thing is like this. Dip into it anywhere, and your mind will be folded over and turned inside out. It’s like found poetry. Surrealist blogging. Look;
” The actual get via Johannesburg to the Kruger National Park wasn’t only severe but a genuine examine your relationship.”
“We all gradually visit this Phumulani villa and most of us were unable a really picture.”
“If we chilled from the go swimming, we walked to the Lodge for supper, with a rapid energy snooze and after that simply enough the perfect time to incomparable our initially sport push.”
It’s breathtaking. I want someone to set it to music. “A Pact Journey. The Musical.” I want movies made about it. I want to whisper it into Mrs 23thorns’ ear as she sleeps and then see how she acts the next day.
I love it! So why was I crushed? Because the first thing I wanted to do was blog about it. To share a laugh with all of you. But I couldn’t. Why not? Well, it was obviously written by someone who wasn’t English. Someone who was trying hard, and who was brave enough to put themselves out there in a way that I would be afraid to. And so to make fun of it would be unkind. This sort of thing should be encouraged, not mocked.
And yet here I am. Making fun of it. But don’t worry. I have not violated my principles. I have not gone over to the dark side. I have, as I said earlier, uncovered a mystery. You see, I went to this blog’s home page. And “A Pact Journey” is not alone. There are scores of posts there. All written in this enthusiastically curious style.
Think of anything, and it’s there;
Menopause? “Menopause is a effortlessly usual woman’s occurrence that comes about in the middle or delayed forties”
Catering? “Food items as it turns out, is actually a important factor the point is.”
Garden benches? “Out there home garden benches are best for a gulp associated with clean air, rest and for experiencing and enjoying the greenery.”
Which is fine. I write about lots of things. But here’s where the plot thickens. All of these posts were posted yesterday. There are about ninety of them. There is no “about” page, no pictures, no widgets. Just reams and reams of borderline gibberish. There are no comments or even “Likes”.
It gets better. Every post contains a single link. Just one, buried deep in the body of the text. Some of those link to companies in the UK, but the vast majority link to companies right here in South Africa. Not a single company. Each post links to a different, completely unconnected company. There are Safari guides and PVC blind suppliers. There are office furniture suppliers and divan bed manufacturers. There’s even a company that hires out strippers.
So what in the blue hell is going on here? There is an entire blog out there with nearly a hundred posts on it, all written on the same day, which is almost completely unreadable. It is trying to lead the reader off to one or another obscure South African business. It wasn’t written by a South African, even one with bad English. I would recognise the patterns of the language. I cannot even begin to guess who did write it.
So what is it? Is it spam? If it is, it’s very bad spam. There are no flashing lights, or colours, or animations. Just that one lonely link.
Is it a genuine blog? If so, I’m embarrassed. I’ve been doing this for nearly a year, and haven’t done as many posts as this blogger has in a day.
I have a theory. There are some rather curious things out there in the ether called a “numbers stations”. They are short wave radio stations that broadcast numbers. That’s all. A voice, often an artificially generated one, simply counts off a seemingly random and endless list of numbers. And they’ve been doing this since World War I. Nobody has ever acknowledged them, and no-one knows what they’re for.
What everyone thinks they are for is for spying. Secret codes. Messages to operatives living deep under cover in enemy territory. And they’re still out there. I think that’s what this is. This is the spooks moving with the times. Who listens to short wave radio these days? Blogging is the thing. So the spies have started their own blogs, complete with secret messages buried deep within. Co-ordinates of arms factories. Nuclear installations. Troop deployments. Tips on where to get the best strippers.
Of course I might be wrong. Maybe Yoda started a blog. Or maybe one of you might recognise what this is right away. And even if you don’t, but think you can see what’s going on, let me know. I’m curious. I need to work out what this is all about so I can stop reading it. It’s hurting my head. I’m a bit nervous about my own English at this point. It’s been a long day, and it’s pretty late. My eyes are crossing and my proofreader has gone to sleep. But never fear. In the words of my new favourite blog;
“Together with a correct prepare and approach having a switch can be really even and more enjoyable. The actual thrashing economic climate features obligated individuals consider inexpensive methods to their particular move. Moving providers commonly fee a ton for each go. To save money I suggest you include a self switch.”
That’s certainly how I feel, and I hope you do too.