72. Ten Weeks. Sort of.

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As most of you know by now, I’m doing 100 posts in 100 days. Or at least that was the plan. Two weeks ago, I buggered it up. Completely. I went away on holiday. Had I been going to most places, I suppose I could have carried on posting, but I’m not sure that watching their father type away on a netbook would have constituted a treasured memory for the kids.

Let the good times roll!

Let the good times roll!

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71. Primitive.

Something triggered a bit of an odd memory for me today. Someone mentioned, in a comment on my blog, that they flipped through the pictures before reading the post.

So what do you make of this, then?

So what do you make of this, then?

Continue reading

69. Unseen.

Yesterday, I told you how you can enjoy the bush without seeing any big animals. If you’re new here, I went down to South Africa’s wild Lowveld for a family holiday. I’m not finished dining out on it quite yet, so today I’ll tell you how to enjoy not seeing animals at all.

One morning we were having breakfast on the stoep (patio) with a gang of thirty five mongooses.

As one does.

As one does.

A couple of Vervet monkeys had come down to see what all the fuss was about. Don’t worry, I haven’t been drinking; the Vervets and the mongooses weren’t the animals we enjoyed not seeing. They were happily waging psychological warfare against each other. The monkeys were dashing in to see if they could find a fallen scrap of food (my kids are not tidy eaters. We haven’t had to feed our dogs since they were born.) and the mongooses were ganging up and driving them off. It was all very entertaining. Then this happened.

Well, not quite that. That’s a couple of Vervets watching a leopard on someone’s TV through their window. Vervet Monkeys are starved for entertainment. But one of our Vervets made exactly the same noise. The effect was electrifying. All the birds that had been serenading us with their morning racket suddenly went silent, and the mongooses disappeared in an instant.

Vervet Monkeys are pretty smart little buggers. They have something approaching a rudimentary language. They’re actually usually fairly quiet, but when the need arises, they give alarm calls. Complicated alarm calls. There’s one for eagles and other birds of prey, one for snakes, and one for predators on the ground. There’s even one for humans. Oddly enough, the one for humans is closest to the one for snakes. Make of that what you will.

The resemblance is uncanny!

The resemblance is uncanny!

Our Vervet was giving the ground predator call, the one they save for land animals big enough to eat them. It’s an electrifying experience to hear it when you’re sitting outside with your kids. Monkeys have an advantage over us. They spend their time in the tops of trees. Which means they can see much further than us. And our guy had definitely seen something. As alarm calls, go, this one sounded pretty damn alarming.

We bustled the kids inside, just in case whatever he had seen was close by. And that’s when the unseen animal action started. First, we heard this.

That’s an Impala alarm call. Impalas are not quite so smart. They have one alarm call. But it’s a pretty distinctive one. And they only give it for animals big enough to kill them. Oddly enough, their alarm signal doesn’t always mean “run away!” For it to mean that, they have to be running themselves. Sometimes it’s not so much a signal to each other as it is a signal to the predator they have spotted. Then it means “I see you, you bastard, and you’re never going to catch me. Try again another day.”

But that’s not what this call meant. It meant “run”. I know this not because I speak Impala, but because we could hear them running. It was all very exciting, but there was a problem. They were close. A few hundred metres away across a dry river-bed. But the bush was too thick, so we couldn’t see a thing.

We cut our breakfast short and took a drive over to the general area, but there are no roads that lead to the spot where we heard them, and we saw nothing. Oh, well. It probably meant nothing. Predators, you see, aren’t all that good at predating. If they were, there wouldn’t be any prey left. Most attempted kills do not succeed.

Sometimes I feel like such a failure. Sigh.

Sometimes I feel like such a failure. Sigh.

We came back home and went about our business. We filed the incident away as a cool little diversion, and let it slip from our minds. Until bedtime.

When we’re down in the bush, we sleep out on the “sleeper stoep”. It’s a deep, raised patio under the eaves of the house, caged in with mosquito netting and chicken-wire, on the basis that if it’s strong enough to hold in a chicken, it’s strong enough to hold out a lion.

Add a pair of legs and they're practically the same animal.

Add a pair of legs and they’re practically the same animal.

It’s a wonderful place to sleep. You can feel the breeze on your face and smell the rich tapestry of smells wafting in from the surrounding wilderness. But more than that you can hear the sounds.

You hear lions roar and hyenas whoop. You hear mysterious rustlings in the leaves right next to you, and the patter of feet on the hard stone tiles of the stoep. Buffalos cruise through the undergrowth without bothering to go round anything, and elephants smash trees with a sound like a gunshot. Lions roar and hyenas whoop. It’s all very atmospheric. But there’s a problem. My son is not too keen on the dark. We can talk him through most noises, but how do you explain this?

Sorry about the dongs. That was the best clip of hyenas laughing that I could find. And besides, those aren’t dongs at all. Those hyenas are all females. As god is my witness. But I digress.

Hyenas laugh like that when they are excited. Or scared. Hyenas are ludicrously courageous animals. They weigh in at about 50 kg, and will take on lions weighing three times that. But it scares the crap out of them to do so.

Stop it! You're terrifying me!

Stop it! You’re terrifying me!

And they were doing it across the riverbed from us as we slept. Or failed to sleep. And they were doing it in the exact spot where the Impala had been that morning. One of them had failed to make it. Hyenas are not the pure scavengers they’re made out to be. They hunt a lot of their own prey. But if something dies in their back yard, they’ll be there.

So that was it. One of Africa’s ancient life and death dramas had taken place within a few hundred yards of us. And we hadn’t seen a thing. What was it? We’ll never know. There were lots of lions around last week. We saw their tracks round every corner. But it could have been a leopard, too. It could even have been a hyena.

But we were given a clue. You see, we weren’t quite done with our unseen animals. The next day, I tried to settle down for an afternoon nap. I try this fairly often, but always fail. But at least this time I had an excuse for my daytime insomnia. Because I heard this;

I’m scared of elephants, so that is a bone-chilling sound. Elephants do that when they’re frightened, like the herd in that clip, or when they’re cross. Not a little cross. A lot cross. Enraged. And the one that gave me an excuse for my failure to nap was doing it over and over again. In the same spot across the river-bed.

Elephants don’t get that cross very often. They don’t need to. They’re bigger than anything else. They do get cross with each other. And they get cross with us, because we keep killing them to steal their teeth. But they get cross with lions, too. Lions kill elephants. Not often, and not adult elephants, but they will kill and eat the youngsters. And elephants never forget.

Now where the hell did I put my keys?

Now where the hell did I put my keys?

As I said, it was a clue, not an answer. Maybe the trumpeting wasn’t connected to the action. A coincidence. Maybe the killer was a leopard, and the elephant was short sighted. Or just practising for the next lion that crossed its path.

That’s the nicest and the worst part of enjoying animals you can’t see. It’s not just about sound. There are other ways of not seeing things. You might see vultures drop from the sky onto an unseen spot. You might smell a distinctive smell. And when you do, you can let your inner amateur detective run free to come up with a thousand different potential explanations. But never an answer.

67. Do they know it’s Christmas?

I’m feeling a little embarrassed. I was going to amaze all my Northern Hemisphere readers with the strange new tradition that has recently sprung up down here in the South Africa. Christmas in July.

But I'm completely out of shape!

But I’m completely out of shape!

Christmas in the Southern Hemisphere can be a little incongruous. It happens in midsummer. And it’s hot here. Everyone sets off for seaside holidays or trips down to the bush. There are bikinis and board-shorts, ice-cream and swimming parties. Continue reading

66. Safari

I’m back. I interrupted my 100 posts in 100 days in order to go and sit in an unpowered bungalow out in the wilds of Africa for a week with two small children. As one does. I’ve actually been back for a day, but I didn’t post yesterday because it was Christmas. Again. I’ll explain tomorrow.

What kind of person would blog on Christmas Day?

What kind of person would blog on Christmas Day?

We were out in an unfenced wildlife area in the Lowveld next to the Kruger National Park. It really is a wild place. There are lions and hyenas and elephants and (last week at least) my children walking around. And giraffes. Continue reading

Cheers

If you’re a regular follower of this blog, you will see that this post doesn’t have a number on it. I’m going away.

The 23thorns brood is on their way down to the bush for a week or so (we’ll see how long we can survive the children in a small, unpowered bungalow). I’ve thought long and hard about ways to get posts out while I’m down there, but I can’t. The place we’re off to is an hour out of the nearest small town. There is no electricity (everything runs on gas) and no cellphone coverage.

And so I am going to abuse my executive authority as the chief (and only) blogger on here to freeze time until I get back. I’ll pick up where I left off then.

I hope you all keep well and I’ll see you when we get back. Unless I get killed by a hormonally imbalanced giraffe. “Til then, cheers.059

65. Tiny Houses.

We bought our house for the garden. It’s a little narrow, but nice and long, and the combination of plants and terraces makes it look like it goes on forever. There’s nothing wrong with the house. It’s prettier from the inside than it is from the outside, but it does the trick.

It’s certainly not a mansion. Each of the kids has a room of their own, and Mrs 23thorns and I share one. The same cannot be said about our cupboard space. But my shoulders are broad, and I soldier on (although I would just like to point out that the one with the broad shoulders should have the most cupboard space. My jackets are much bigger). There’s a bathroom, a TV room/lounge/office, and a kitchen. And an odd little space we laughingly call the dining room.

It's a little on the small side, so we hardly ever use it.

It’s a little pokey, so we hardly ever use it.

We’re very happy there, but if I were to be honest with you, I would like another bathroom and a reinforced concrete bunker where we could lock ourselves away from the kids on weekends. It is, I am trying to say, a little on the small side.

Or rather it was. Until this morning. The house didn’t get any bigger. Someone new just started following my blog. I clicked on their Gravatar, as I often do, and a whole new world opened up to me. She was, you see, a practitioner of Tiny House Living. Yep, those capitals are there for a reason. This is, officially, a Thing.

It used to be much bigger. The rest of it is at the bottom of the hill.

It used to be much bigger. The rest of it is at the bottom of the hill.

There is a community of people out there who want to live in cupboards. To each his own. They will tell you that they want to do so because they are saving the environment. Tiny houses, or rather Tiny Houses, use almost no energy compared to normal houses. They use far fewer raw materials, take up much less space, and can be moved around fairly easily, especially if you build them on wheels.

It may look a little silly, but it spells the end of drinking and driving.

It may look a little silly, but it spells the end of drinking and driving.

Those are the reasons that those who practice Tiny House Living will give you when you ask them why they are living in a cupboard. It is, of course, a lie. They are living in Tiny Houses because living in Tiny Houses makes them happy.

It doesn’t really matter why it makes them happy. They aren’t hurting anyone. But trying to understand people is fun. And I think I know why this makes them happy. When I was younger, we used to take the overnight train to boarding school.

Yes, it was a steam train. No I did not go to Hogwarts.

Yes, it was a steam train. No, I did not go to Hogwarts.

The first time I went on one, the train took my breath away. You walked into a little room. There were two benches, a little table, and two panels on the walls. When the time came, you lifted the table. There, miraculously, was a sink where you could brush your teeth. Done? Time to go to bed. The panels folded down into bunk-beds. It was cool. It was like a Swiss Army knife room.

Tiny Houses are like Swiss Army houses. Things flip over to become other things. Things fold in and out of roofs and walls. It must be like living on the inside of one of those Transformer toys.

How much would this suck in your Christmas stocking?

How much would this suck in your Christmas stocking?

There are lots of people doing lots of peculiar things out there. Some people climb mountains. Some people make quilts. Some people get genital piercings. Some people beat their children or murder prostitutes. I like the ones whose pleasures are harmless, or even better, beneficial.

Look, dear! The Jones's have added another story. How wasteful!

Look, dear! The Jones’s have added another story. How wasteful!

Tiny House Living is beneficial, on every level.  It is to be encouraged. But I do have a couple of questions.

1. What do you do when you fight?

Seriously. I’m going to assume that the sorts of people who are into Tiny House Living are windswept and interesting. Windswept and interesting people generally have partners. And partners have fights. You can have a fight in a cardboard box. It probably helps. But you do need a bit of room for the aftermath.

You need to flounce across rooms in tight-lipped but eloquent silence. You need to slam the odd door. You need to “be alone” as ostentatiously as possible. You can’t really get a good flounce going if your bedroom/lounge/TV room is only three steps wide, and when the only door is the one to the bathroom/kitchen, slamming it more than once will just see faintly ludicrous.

I just feel like I need a little space right now.

I just feel like I need a little space right now.

2. Does your underwear all smell of food?

We used to live in an even smaller place. We slept up in a loft, which happened to be both open and above the kitchen. It was all terribly cosy and romantic until we decided to cook up some butter-fish. Then we smelt like Unhygienix, the fishmonger from Asterix for six weeks. We could have fitted two Tiny Houses into that place. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess the kitchen in a Tiny House is not a separate room.

Honey, I think that we should become vegans. It's just so much more.... ethical.

Honey, I think that we should become vegans. It’s just so much more…. ethical.

3. How big is your shed?

Part of the thinking behind Tiny House living is that you are forced to let go of the stuff you don’t need. Our society is far too materialistic. We all have clothes that we only wear once or twice a year. Get rid of them. Those things in the kitchen you never use? The popcorn popper, the fondue set, the three-speed electronic knife sharpener? Throw them away.

"nuff said?

“nuff said?

But what about the stuff you really do need. We all have that stuff. I have a pair of roller-blades I simply cannot throw away. Granted, I haven’t used them since 1990, but what if I want to go roller-blading tomorrow? And where do you keep your books?

I’m sure the rules allow you to have a shed. But it has to be a Tiny Shed. If you live in a Tiny House and have a shed the size of the Vatican so you can hang onto all your stuff, you’re just cheating.

4. Ever heard of these guys?

Not Tiny Houses on wheels. experts can spot the difference.

Not Tiny Houses on wheels. Experts can spot the difference.

Just asking.

5. Do you have tiny cars, too?

Because that would just be cool. You could keep them in your tiny garage. Where you could also keep your tiny tools. Just in case your tiny car ever had a tiny breakdown.

I'm just taking it in for a service.

I’m just taking it in for a service.

6. Do vandals ever move your house while you’re sleeping?

Because I would totally move your house while you were sleeping.

I think it's only fair to warn you.

I think it’s only fair to warn you.

I’d never even heard of Tiny House Living before, and now I’m intrigued. I want in. Not to live in one or anything. But I know a couple of people who would love to. There must be thousands of others out there. I’m going to become a Tiny Property Developer.

I’ll buy up vacant lots in the suburbs and turn them into Tiny Housing Estates. Nice ones. Really upmarket. The streets will be lined with bonsais, and each home will have parking for two tiny cars.

I've already chosen a landscaper.

I’ve already chosen a landscaper.

There will be a tiny communal swimming pool and clubhouse, where the owners can get together for tiny parties.

Everyone will just be super happy. And if they’re not? Well that’s easy. They can just take their Tiny Houses and @#$% off.

And don't come back!

And don’t come back!

*****

64. Beware of the stairs.

I’m feeling a little guilty. Just a tiny bit. I fell prey to a trend yesterday, and it’s not one to be encouraged. It’s one that the Discovery Channel and National Geographic are absolutely besotted with. Nature, if the TV people (and me) are to be believed, is out to get you. It wants you dead. And your family. And everyone you have ever loved.

I don't think they really understand the "mother" part of Mother Nature.

I don’t think they really understand the “mother” part of Mother Nature.

It doesn’t, actually. I wrote about an unusual little spate of giraffe attacks yesterday. It was worth writing about, precisely because it has been so unusual. The truth is that giraffes really are gentle creatures at heart. They just happen to be wild animals. Big ones. Ones that have evolved to defend themselves from some fairly robust predators. On the incredibly rare occasions that they do go off the rails, it can get a little scary. But in the larger scheme of things, they simply aren’t dangerous.

This is a Great White shark.

Hi! Come on in, the water's lovely.

Hi! Come on in, the water’s lovely.

It’s a monster, in the true sense of the word. It’s nearly five metres long and weighs over a thousand kilograms. It can swim at 40km/h and bite you in half without breaking a sweat. It is not dangerous at all.

It's not like it can fly or anything.

It’s not like it can fly or anything.

Cows are.

This is a Grizzly bear.

Did you hear the one about the Scotsman in the thistle field?

Did you hear the one about the Scotsman in the thistle field?

It’s also a monster, weighing in at over 300 kg. It’s very close to being the biggest predatory mammal in the world. Only Polar bears are bigger. But it’s not dangerous either.

Deer, on the other hand…

The king of the beasts?

Oh' look! A big fluffy kitty!

Oh look! A big fluffy kitty!

Now we’re talking. It’s nearly one twentieth as dangerous as a British staircase.

You see, sharks only kill about eighteen people a year. That’s all sharks, not just Great Whites. It’s not like we’re not giving them the opportunity, either. This is what our beaches look like.

There's nothing quite like relaxing and unwinding in the great outdoors.

There’s nothing quite like relaxing and unwinding in the great outdoors.

Cows, however, kill 22 people in the US alone.

Mmmmmurder.

Mmmmmurder.

Grizzly bears don’t even crack the nod for one death a year. Deer? More than 150.

Look at those cold, dark, eyes. It's like staring into your own grave.

Look at those cold, dark, eyes. It’s like staring into your own grave.

Lions? 50 a year. British staircases? About a thousand.

The Germans at least keep theirs behind closed doors.

The Germans at least keep theirs behind closed doors.

I’m being slightly disingenuous. Statistics are easy to meddle with. You probably climbed 10 sets of stairs today, and, unless you are from Africa, are unlikely to have ever even seen a wild lion. But the fact remains; there are 7 billion people in the world right now, and if lions kill 50 of them a year, that wouldn’t even appear as a number on a statistician’s radar.

The thing is, we have been the most dangerous animal on the planet for a very long time. Animals are scared of us. Even the big ones. On top of that, the people exposed to wild animals the most tend to be the ones who know how best to behave around them. There are some very dangerous things out there. Hippos kill nearly 3000 people a year in Africa. Snakes kill a lot more. But still not very many in the larger scheme of things. If you want to see something really dangerous, go and take a look in your driveway.

Quick! Get in the car and lock the doors! It's a car!

Quick! Get in the car and lock the doors! It’s a car!

Over 14000 people die on the roads in South Africa every year. And those deer-related deaths I mentioned earlier? Car accidents.

So when you see a show on TV called “Anatomy of a Killer” or “Twelve Deadliest”, or read a blog post about ravening giraffes, take it with a pinch of salt. These things are dangerous, sure. But less dangerous than electricity, and you let that stuff flow around your house.

Don’t think ill of the noble giraffe just because I pointed out they’ve been trying to kill people, is what I’m saying.

Think ill of these guys instead.

Think very ill indeed.

Think very ill indeed.

If you want a dangerous wild animal to be scared of, those guys kill nearly three million people a year. Which makes your average staircase look as harmless as a bear carrying a shark.

*****

63. The rise of the giants.

I’m going away for a short holiday at the end of the week. The 23thorns brood is going down to the bush. This is a big deal. Over the last few years we haven’t been able to go nearly as often as we’d like to. The place we go to is in a malaria area, and while there are precautions one can take, the kids have been too small to undergo the treatment should they catch it.

This year, though, things are different. I’ve been feeding the kids on a pure McDonalds and Ice-cream diet for months, and now we’re good to go. I’m a bit worried though. In our extended absence, something sinister has been happening. This is a giraffe.

The gentle giant of the African wild. Snort.

The gentle giant of the African wild. Snort.

I’ve always been a bit surprised by people’s reactions to giraffes. When you take people down to the bush who’ve never been there before, and ask them what they would most like to see, the giraffe is often at the top of the list, ahead of lions and leopards and elephants. I do get it, I suppose. Lions and leopards are just big cats. Elephants are quite something, but there is nothing like a giraffe. It manages to be beautiful and freaky looking at the same time. Strangely graceful and strangely awkward. Comically grave and gravely comical.

Well, hello there!

Well, hello there!

What they have always been is utterly charming and just a little awe inspiring. A giraffe is a big animal. It’s huge. A male giraffe is over 6m tall (that’s over 20 feet) and weighs over a ton (2500 pounds). Which makes it a bit of a problem that they’ve decided not to be charming any more. Have a look;

Anyone else having a Jurassic Park flashback?

I have never done a course in body language before, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I don’t think that woman is charmed. Still, it’s no big deal, right? A six metre, 1 ton animal just ran after a car for three miles and made an otherwise perfectly charming looking young woman use some colourful Afrikaans. The experts chalked it up to a hormonal imbalance, rather than the animal simply having been possessed by demons. Come out on safari; it’s nice and warm, and this sort of thing almost never happens.

Oops. That one got close enough to kick off the rear view mirror. It’s not nice to laugh at the naivety of tourists, but I love that that German guy wanted to radio for help. Doesn’t he know that almost all of our elite giraffe emergency response teams are out on strike?

Still, no harm, no foul. No one was hurt and it’s not like you really need a rear view mirror in the bush. There’s not much traffic, and all you’re likely to see is a mad-eyed, hormonally-imbalanced towering freak of nature bearing down on you at an unlikely clip. They can rattle along at over 50km/h (35mph). They decided that one was hormonally imbalanced too. Must be something in the water. There’s no way the giraffes are the vanguard of the coming animal apocalypse.

For what it’s worth, kicking a mirror off a jeep is no big deal for a giraffe. They have feet like dinner plates, and a well-aimed kick can kill a male lion.

This is what is known as a "dignified withdrawal."

This is what is known as a “dignified withdrawal.”

It seems that not all giraffes have been overtaken by the desire to murder cars yet. There’s one outside Bloemfontein which has decided to warm up a bit first, by hurdling over BMW convertibles. I don’t think we have much to fear from her though; she didn’t even make it all the way over. Nobody but the BMW was hurt, and the driver’s seat probably needed a wash anyway. Hormones.

For her next trick, she's going to try and slide underneath.

For her next trick, she’s going to try and slide underneath.

The giraffes aren’t just waging their war on the vehicular front. Last year, a man was head-butted by one. Which sounds funny, in a biker-bar joke sort of way. It’s not. Giraffes might use their feet for fighting lions, but they use their heads for fighting each other. The skull of a male giraffe never stops growing, building up odd shaped bumps of bone. Their necks and heads end up like huge sledgehammers. And they use them like this;

The guy who got head-butted did not end up with a headache. He ended up in intensive care, with severe spinal damage. But no one is to blame here. The man was drawing blood, no doubt for the giraffe’s benefit. The giraffe was being stabbed in the neck by a strange little pink thing. I just hope the guy is doing OK. And they left the giraffe alone. This was not part of the coming giraffocalypse. Just a horrible accident.

As horrible, but less explicable is the unfolding mystery down in Kwazulu Natal. A seventy-year-old man popped out to a local game reserve for his regular morning walk. Hours later, he staggered home covered in blood. “I ran away.” He said. And died. No-one really knows what happened. But there is a prime suspect. A giraffe. With a hormone imbalance.

Are you looking at me?

Are you looking at me?

I’m trying very hard not to see a pattern here. It doesn’t pay to be alarmist. It doesn’t pay to be foolhardy either. I’m going to be wrapping Mrs 23thorns and the kids up in bubble-wrap and making them wear crash helmets. It might not protect them from the giraffes, but it will give me a head start if we need to flee. And I’m popping out tomorrow to buy some darts filled with HRT. It never hurts to be prepared.

Anyone know where I can get my hands on a couple of these?

Anyone know where I can get my hands on a couple of these?