I nearly got involved in a fender-bender the other day. I was driving down a busy, three-lane road in town, and glanced down for a second. Mistake. I looked up to see that, to my horror, I was about to drive over a cow. I had to swerve sharply to miss her, and nearly hit another car. Continue reading →
There are three different ways of approaching a project. My way, my wife’s way, and everybody else’s way. Let’s take painting a cupboard as an example. Here’s what everyone else seems to do;
1. Measure the cupboard.
2. Go to the shop.
2.a Buy enough sandpaper or paint stripper to strip off the old paint.
2.b. Buy enough masking tape to cover the hinges and locks.
2.c. Buy some primer.
2.d Buy some paint.
2.e. Buy some paintbrushes.
2.f. Buy some solvent to wash the paintbrushes with.
3. Lay out some old newspaper on the ground outside.
4. Take out the cupboard.
5. Strip off the old paint.
6. Cover the hinges and locks with masking tape.
7. Paint with primer. Give it a day to dry. Wash off the brushes with solvent.
8. Paint a first coat. Give it a day to dry. Wash off the brushes with solvent.
9. Paint a second coat. Give it a day to dry. Wash off the brushes with solvent.
10.Take the cupboard back inside.
This technique will give you a sparkly, new looking cupboard. It will also leave you feeling hollow. Empty. Unfulfilled. Your cupboard will look just like everyone else’s. How sad your life is. Next time do it my way; Continue reading →
My wife, bless her, is making great strides in the business she is starting. She’s moved on from the t-shirt idea, and grown obsessed with chemicals. We are currently bottling and labelling thousands of bottles of room freshener at the coffee table in front of the TV. There’s a barrel full of bath salts in the corner. My house smells like a brothel. There’s even an undercurrent of disinfectant from the hand sanitisers we did last week, for added authenticity.
For those of you who have not been following this blog for a while, my wife fell victim to the wave of electronic readers crippling the book industry, and was retrenched by the publisher she worked for. Instead of trying to find another job in a shrinking industry, she decided to try her hand at producing a line of book related products. Turns out that she’s actually very good at it. Since our whole family has a vested interest in her success, I decided to try and help.Turns out I’m a frikkin’ genius at it. Continue reading →